Porn
Apparently there IS justice in the world.
so after all of this starvation and cosmetic cheating, here comes High Definition, making all the famous people freak out because rather than flatter them and hide their imperfections, HD makes everything—wrinkles, pimples, pores, bad plastic surgery, your age—more obvious than it would be to the naked eye.
This is fascinatingly poetically just for many obvious reasons. It’s also yet another testament that we women pray at the altar of male chauvinism and general stupidity at our own peril: the starving and perfectionism is directly linked to a sexist world where men need perfect women to gawk at.
We took that shit and ran with it way further than any man would have gone of course—we’ve actually “created” a man with an appetite for a skin and bones woman. Or did we? Maybe every dude just would like to get it on with an adolescent boy, just once, and well, Kate Bosworth and the like is pretty much like fucking an adolescent boy. But I digress.
I mean that so we went and attempted these extremes for men.
And now MEN, of course, gadget freaks that they are, need their HD. They need to see
the proverbial stitching on the football!
This most often quoted benefit of HD is particularly moronic, no?
Who the fuck cares about the stitching on a ball anyway?
It’s hardly the point.
But technology, like everything, has to be a race. And in a male dominated dumbass world, every race has to me a massive race involving everybody. And it doesn’t matter what the end is as long as you get there first—so if we have HD for this, we have to have it for that and the other.
Enter the Porno Industry.
They are struggling now because HD is showing too much.
The NY Times quotes some of the annoyed female porn starts who now have to put on even more tanning spray on their stretch marks, change positions to hide cellulite and even get plastic surgery to make the fake boobs less obviously fake—all because of HD.
One such porno stars, the great Stormy Daniels herself, mentions that according to her, the worse thing is really razor burn.
Razor burn! Can you imagine? !
Can you just like, NOT do the HD thing dudes? No? Wow. Razor burn it is
then.
Crocodiles
I wish I could have done a seamless segway from that topic to this but I can’t. I’ll just say it: my son wants to be the next Crocodile Hunter. Yes, Steve Irwin is my son’s first real idol. Problem is, my son got turned out to Steve too late and now Steve is dead. Though my son now religiously watches him on Animal Planet, last Sunday, on the occasion of the (highly anticipated, marked on every calendar in our house) world premiere of Steve Irwin’s LAST adventure, “Ocean’s Deadliest” my son had a sort of emotional meltdown. At first he could not really contain his excitement at finally seeing this show he had been waiting to see since November when they announced it. As he put it, he thought the show would be “cool, like in the middle of cool” but as it turned out the show was “on the very top of cool”. The child was so excited, he became emotional. And more emotional still when towards the end, while sad music played and “testimonial” type footage aired, he remembered his hero was in fact, no more. He then started to cry uncontrollably, saying “I miss him, but I miss him.” It got particularly sad when Steve, looking dead into the camera, at the end of the show, gave his “best advice for my fans out there”. My son has informed me that he will be the next Crocodile Hunter, not only to do conservation of wildlife but also to console all the people (like himself!) who are devastated that Steve Irwin is gone. All jokes aside, if anybody has a better superhero for a kid, present it. You can’t actually beat the Crocodile Hunter. And yeah, even though you’re 30, you too sort of “miss him.” Needless to say, we’re ordering tons of DVDs and his Wildlife Warrior arm bands as soon as possible!
Porn
I have a Wahl Body Massager. It’s code for vibrator. But it is truly a body massager as well, with different pieces you can use. I’ve lately had much more use for it as massager for my feet and neck than as sex toy. In this capacity, my son found it. He asked to have his own back massaged. I innocently allowed this. Now my son is obsessed with this device. So I made him forget about it and put him on no massager rule. Recently (way long after the massager controversy had ended, I thought), I came home after his dad babysat him and he told me, triumphant, “Papa let me use the massager.” His dad was gone at that point and after my son went to bed, I called him to a) inform him about the background to the massager story and b) share with him the hilarity of my son’s triumphant face during the confession. So thinking my son was asleep, I called and was all “dumbass, you let him use the vibrator?” Cut to a couple days later and while I am cooking 3 things at the same time, my son’s mumbling some shit that makes no sense to me about can he do something or other. Usually when that happens and you’re busy, what you do is you ignore them altogether. Well suddenly this child screams, CAN I USE YOUR EVIBERATOR?! Pause. Collect Yourself. What?
Your Eviberator, can I use it please please please?
My what?
Eviberator!
What the hell is that?
The massager
(trying very HARD not to laugh) Then why are you calling it that?
You’re the one who called it an EVIBERATOR… when you were talking to Papa.
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