Hurt on Pause

A friend of mine who is into meditation—actually a couple, have suggested to me many meditation-related remedies to my current condition. I can’t meditate. They say if I did, I would not run laps around my crazy head. I would just…listen to myself breathe and focus. But I can’t right now. Right now I just feel hurt. Like someone pressed pause during the movie of my life at a very bad time and is making me exists in this freeze frame where I just hurt. My first thought of the day is of the general “he doesn’t love me anymore he loves someone else this shit is over forever there will never be another try at this” inclination. My every thought after that, that is not occupied with work or talking to another person, is about the same. It’s hard to sleep and hard to eat. It’s very hard to not obsess and not wish I could control t hings that I clearly cannot control. Like I can’t control my wishing to control and undo and redo and erase and replay and retry and go back and fix and make it not so. And it’s hard to listen to someone else tell me how it’s all for the best and really doesn’t matter and how I am overreacting and really if I dig deep, I will find that I don’t care. I suppose in a perfect world or if I were a perfect person that would be true. It’s not true.